Of Uchihas and Ponies
by PhoenixClaw
Summary: Remember that time you got stuck in a tree, almost starved to death, were driven half mad by the constant bickering of fan girls and couldn't see a way out in which you actually got to keep your pants on? No? Well, Sasuke does. [Total EMO CRACK! Woot!]


**_Disclaimer_** : Heh, it'd be cool...but no.

This is something that just kind of popped into my head one day and wouldn't leave me alone untill I wrote it out. Hope you enjoy it!

* * *

_Stupid D-ranked missions. How come I'm the one that has to muck out the horse stalls? Monday's are always the worst..._

Perched on a low lying tree branch, Sasuke pondered over Team 7's latest assignment while reclining against a shaded patch of bark.

_Heh, at least I got to see Naruto fall face first in a cow pie. That almost makes up for Kakashi-sensei's remark about me either being really happy or having a kunai in my pocket. I still can't get all the blood off my shirt from Sakura's nosebleed..._

The young Uchiha member nestled a bit deeper into the gnarled arms of his pine wood bedding. It had been a long day and, despite himself, he was beginning to feel the effects of his strenuous activities. Still, he _should_ do a bit more training; Naruto would never one-up him again, not after that time in the Forest of Death.

Of course, resting here for just a little while longer probably wouldn't hurt. In fact, with a quick ten minute power nap, he'd be good to go for at least another hour! Yeah, it was definitely best to rest now and train extra hard later. Satisfied with the decision, Sasuke crossed his arms and began to nod off.

_Ten minutes should do it...maybe twenty...yeah, twenty should do it...twenty five tops..._

Within seconds, the Sharingan user found himself enraptured in a blissfully dreamless slumber.

-

"No way! Mine is _sooo_ much cuter than yours, billboard-brow!"

Sasuke shot bolt upright, nearly falling from his place in the sky. How long had he been asleep? It was still daylight, but with the leaves overhead, he couldn't get a good bearing on the sun. Ten minutes? Three hours? He couldn't tell...

"Yeah right, Ino-pig! Mine is totally better looking than _that_!"

Taken off guard by the sudden and unexpected interruption, the Uchiha prodigy took a moment to center his thoughts and focus on the situation at hand.

_Oh crap. If those two figure out I'm up here, they'll swarm me! I don't think I can fend off that much estrogen at once..._

"C'mon Sakura, you can't _seriously_ think your's looks better than mine..."

The young man, now fully awake, peered down from his vantage point only to spy two familiar kunoichi sitting at the base of his tree.

"Cha! Of course it is! Just look at the little star on her bottom! She's so cute!"

Sakura emphasized her point by clutching a small pink object close to her chest while letting loose an enthusiastic squeal of delight.

Sasuke's eye twitched.

_The heck? What are they...wait a minute, are those...ponies...?_

"So what? _My_ pretty pretty pony princess has a crescent moon on her forehead! That is _so_ much cuter than a dumb star..."

Proof in point, Ino held up a dainty goldenrod horse for all the world to see.

At this utterance, the male shinobi came to a crucial understanding. He could either A: Hide up here for an undisclosed amount of time and wait for them to leave, or B: Run for his precious life while hoping they didn't catch up and rip his clothes off.

Alas, as the two young women continued to banter below, Sasuke pondered the repercussions of each said option. On one hand, he could simply stay seated right where he was, safe and sound, until they left. Unfortunately, that meant having to suffer through the conversation that was currently unfolding on the ground. At this rate, he didn't know how much more he could take...

On the other hand, there was the option to high tail it out of there and hope for the best. The downside was that he had been asleep in an awkward position for who knows how long, meaning that he would be quite stiff and unable to run as fast as usual. There was already a slight cramp working it's way through his left calf muscle...

That didn't even take into account what both girls would do to him if they caught up. Sakura and Ino were bad enough separately, but together, well, he really didn't want to think about it...

And thus, the decision was made; sit tight and pray they wouldn't hang around too long.

"Well, we can't argue over this on an empty stomach. Let's have something to eat!"

With that remark, both girls cast one another an impish grin. From somewhere out of Sasuke's sight, Ino retrieved a large picnic basket overflowing with grinders, sandwiches, various drink pouches and a very well endowed chocolate cake.

The male ninja sweat dropped.

_I hate Mondays... _

Despite this apparent setback, Sasuke decided to make the best of a bad situation and simply reclined against the sturdy trunk behind him.

It was just a matter of bad luck that his stomach let out a ferocious grumble.

"Sakura...did you hear something?"

The Katon-user froze. By now, his left leg had more or less fallen asleep. He couldn't run even if his life depended on it.

And it probably did.

"Eh?" The pink-haired girl took a hearty bite from her double-decker sandwich.

_Oh crap oh crap oh crap! If they see me, I'm done for! Damn that delicious aroma! _

"I dunno, like...something _gurgling_."

At this, the cherry blossom girl cast her rival a bemused glance.

"Heh. I think all that blond hair has finally gotten to you, Ino."

The blue-eyed kunoichi cast the figure beside her a scathing frown.

"Shut up, Sakura! At least it doesn't look like someone stapled cotton candy to my head!"

The girl in question bristled at such an insult to her bubblegum locks.

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"_Does not!"_

"_Does too!"_

Satisfied that his cover had not been blown, Sasuke released a cleansing sigh...then grimaced.

"Ha! I _know_ I heard something that time!"

And with that, both kunoichi peered up into the tree above them-

Only to spy a low lying branch suspiciously devoid of any Uchiha prodigies.

"Hmm. Must've been a squirrel..."

Both girls promptly returned to their sandwiches, each having a grand time making their respective ponies run up and down the length of the picnic basket.

Sasuke, however, was a bit more...inconvenienced.

The instant he realized his hiding place was subject to inspection, the Uchiha member hastily scrambled from his hiding spot and clung desperately to the opposite side of the tree. Suffice it to say, his vexing likeness to a giant blue insect was not lost on the young man's senses. Thank goodness for the scant amount of sleep he had been able to get; any less chakra, and there would be a Sasuke-shaped hole in the ground right now.

_Eh. I wonder if this is how Shino's bugs feel. Of course, they don't have to worry about two crazy girls potentially ripping off their shells and fondling their pale underbellies._

Despite himself, the genin allowed that particular mental image to infiltrate the entirety of his imagination.

Sasuke gave a cold shudder.

With one mighty pull, the Uchiha member found himself once again perched atop his wooden resting place, no worse for wear. Sakura and Ino were once again going at it below him.

"Cha! Pretty pretty pony princess Lemon Drops is _sooo_ much better looking than pretty pretty pony princess Twinkle Star!"

Ino's eyes were burning brightly with righteous indignation.

"Give it up, Sakura! Twinkle Star is a _thousand _times cuter than nasty ol' Lemon Drops. I mean, just look at her hair. She comes with her own butterfly clip!"

Each senseless counterpoint was punctuated with a mighty chomp into their grinder, followed by a hearty sip from a juice pouch. The fact that Sasuke's stomach was currently trying to eat itself did not do much to offset the knowledge that each item coming out of the picnic basket looked even more delicious than the last.

He took on an expression not unlike that of a sick cow.

_Guh. If I don't get some food soon, I'm gonna die of starvation...where is that blond idiot when I actually need him! Doesn't he have some magnetic attraction to pink things? _

The young ninja looked around greedily, eager to spy his annoying teammate. Alas, the orange-clad boy was nowhere to be found.

_Probably spent all his mission money on ramen to forget the cow pie thing. _

Sasuke had to restrain himself from snorting with laughter. As fond a memory as that was, the young man sobered up rather quickly when his stomach began to rumble again.

_Alright. No Naruto, no problem. All I need is a distraction. I've just got to wait for an opportunity..._

Some distance below, Sakura took a healthy chunk out of her sandwich, simultaneously expelling a derisive huff.

(Munch) "So what if she has a hair clip! My pretty pretty pony princess has a rainbow-colored tye-dye tail! It even changes color when you dip it in warm water, so _nyeh_!"

The pink-haired kunoichi pulled down an eyelid and stuck her tongue out. Ino retaliated in kind.

(Munch-munch) "Yeah? Well Twinkle Star has 'real sighing action', see?"

The blond girl gave her prized toy a gentle squeeze, causing said object to expel a loving sigh into the air. Ino began to coo and cuddle her beloved plastic pet.

Sasuke thought he was going to gag.

_What's wrong with these two? I can't believe they're actually having this conversation. Who in their right mind would ever want-_

"Mine's cuter!"

"No! Mine!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"_Nu-uh!"_

"_Yuh-huh!"_

Both young women let out a savage growl, then clung to their respective ponies with the voracity of a mother hen. As if on cue, each let out a disgusted 'hmph!' and turned their backs on one another.

_Now's my chance!_

With all the awesome skills of a Hidden Leaf shinobi, Sasuke shot a tethered kunai straight down into the picnic basket.

(Yoink!)

Within seconds, the dark-haired genin found himself to be the proud owner of a brand new ham and cheese sandwich, courtesy of his very own oblivious fan girls.

_Heh, I knew they'd eventually be good for something._

As the two kunoichi finally turned back to the task at hand, neither took notice of the slightly-less-full basket of goodies situated between them. Much to Sasuke's chagrin, their mind numbing conversation continued on right where it had left off.

"Honestly Sakura, _everyone_ knows Lemon Drops is last years favorite. Heck, even Hinata has the new Twinkle Star 'Rainbow Romping Playset' ©, and we both know how out of date she is with this sort of thing. I mean, who still collects Naruto plushies?"

_(Munch) Mmmm...this is great! (Munch-munch) Wow, I should steal food from them more often! (Munch) I wonder if they keep their kitchen windows open at night..._

"_Cha! _Don't even _try_ and tell me Twinkle Star is the next big thing! I know for a fact Tenten has the complete Lemon Drops 'Heavenly Honeydew Racetrack ' ©, and she's into this more than any of us!"

_Heh, good food, comfy branch, and all the time in the world. Besides those two bickering like idiots, I could really get used to this...(munch)_

Ino offered a snort of laughter.

"At least neither of us bought pretty pretty pony princess Shadow Mane."

At that comment, Sasuke's onyx eyes bulged out.

"Tch, yeah, seriously. What kind of stupid name is 'Shadow Mane', anyway?"

The poor Uchiha prodigy nearly choked on a piece of cheese.

Without a second thought, Sasuke tossed the half-eaten meal off to the side and leapt down a few feet before his two fellow shinobi, facing off in the opposite direction.

To the say the least, they were surprised. This was more or less validated when both girls shrieked in terror and latched onto one another in a death grip.

"SASUKE!?!? What are you-"

Instantly, both young women were stricken into silence as the raven-haired youth slowly turned around.

"I have had to listen to the two of you banter back and forth about your _stupid _little playthings for who knows how long now...every annoying statement...every idiotic comeback..."

Sakura and Ino, still holding on to one another, shivered uncontrollably at the expression of pure hatred seething forth from Sasuke's features. Both girls gulped uneasily.

"Pretty pretty pony princess Lemon Drops...pretty pretty pony princess Twinkle Star...and all those _ridiculous _accessories and playsets you were mindlessly drawling on about..."

The young man cast them a scathing glower.

"None of that matters...and I couldn't have cared less...until you did the _unthinkable_..."

Sasuke took several menacing steps forward. Both girls pushed themselves as far back into the trunk as they could go. When the young man was but a scant few inches away, he reached into the confines of his jacket...

And pulled out pretty pretty pony princess Shadow Mane! (The horror!)

Both girls quirked an eyebrow. The Sharingan ninja instantly burst into tears.

"How could you go and say such mean things about poor Shadow Mane! She's the kindest, most gentle pretty pretty pony princess of them all!"

To accentuate his point, Sasuke gathered up the navy blue figurine and held it close to his heart. A pale hand began to glide along the small creature's backside.

"It's ok, Shadow Mane...they didn't mean it...you're such a pretty pony...yes you are...you're so pretty..."

Sasuke began to nuzzle the small horse, Ino tried desperately to strangle herself with her own ponytail, and Sakura had apparently drifted off into a coma.

"Ha! I bet neither or your ponies can _talk_!"

Both girls snapped to attention.

"Eh?"

"Wha?"

The young man had a maniacal look in his eyes, offset only by the too-broad smile now stretched across his features.

"C'mon Shadow-chan! Show them how great you are! Prove it to the whole world!"

The two young women, now separated, cast an incredulous look at one another.

_Shadow-chan?_

Sasuke pressed a small button on the pony's underbelly.

(Tchhhh)...'_I love you, Sasuke_'...(Tchhhh)

At this, the male genin burst into a renewed display of theatrical tears while he cradled his petite friend in both arms, rocking back and forth ever so slightly.

"I love you too, Shadow Mane...I love you too...(sniff)"

Before either kunoichi could even begin to formulate a coherent sentence, Sasuke bounded to his feet and cast an accusatory finger upon them.

"I hope you're real proud of yourselves! I'm not sure Shadow Mane will ever be able to get over such a traumatizing experience!"

With that heartfelt proclamation, Sasuke pivoted around and began to sprint back towards the village, sobbing violently.

Sakura and Ino were simply left there...alone..._dumbfounded_.

For the absolute longest time, both young women were scarcely able to do much more than watch him go, allowing their jaws to rest lightly upon their laps.

Eventually, the eerie calm was broken, and the wheels of life began to turn once more. Ino looked at Sakura. Sakura looked back at Ino.

"...That was _so_ hot."

Giggling like school girls, both kunoichi leapt to their feet, eager to soothe the restless Uchiha by any means necessary.

Anything past that could be chalked up to 'overindulgence'.

"Ino! You get the baby lotion! I'll get the burlap sack! We'll head him off by the bridge!"

Both girls wiped away a thin line of drool.

_I love Mondays!_

* * *

LoL, thats what he gets for being so emo all the time. :) 

Ah well, Sasuke is still a great character. Thats why its so rewarding to make fun of him! (Grin)

Positive feedback is nice, but negative (constructive) feedback is better. No one ever improves by way of kind words alone.

Thanks for reading!


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